Mom, Mom, Mom, Can I Have This?

How many times do we hear those words? “Can I have this?” or “Can you buy me this?” We can’t go anywhere with our children without hearing those words it seems. I have a teenager so I can attest to the fact that it never ends, it just becomes more managed. This constant asking of things can be overwhelming. So often parents begin to reply on autopilot with responses like, “not today”, “we can’t afford it”, or ” I don’t have any money”. As adults we know we know we just don’t want to spend our money on yet another toy (clutter), we haven’t budgeted our money in that way, maybe we don’t actually have the money and feel guilty, or we are simply tired of being asked for things which can be very draining.

I’m reading (for the second time) the book “The Opposite of Spoiled, Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money”, by Ron Lieber. He mentions in his book that the problem with these short-handed answers we give our children is that they are left to make their own conclusions. We think we are just getting them to stop asking for something every time we go out. They may take away from those answers that we don’t have enough money.

He explains that instead we should explain our spending to them and let them know we haven’t budgeted for that today and that we budget out our spending. If we really can’t afford it at the moment, he says we should explain that too. The statement he gives on the “why” for this is great and really makes sense to me. He says, “The hidden message of offering truth to children is that you and your children can work together to manage difficult issues. Children also learn that if they ever need a straight story, they can count on you.”

This makes sense to me because as our children grow, we want them to come to us with questions rather than go elsewhere for answers. If we shut down their questions, they will learn to stop coming to us because we either shut them down or we don’t actually give real answers. If we want to raise independent thinkers, we have to end the days of “because I said so” and challenge ourselves to tolerate the questions. Even the annoying ones. Our children hear what we say, but we leave them to draw their own conclusions in what we don’t say.

So what can we do to manage the consistent asking of things everywhere we go? Thank goodness there is a solution.

1. Teach needs versus wants. We are coming to the grocery store to buy things we need. What you’re asking for is a want, even if it feels like a need to you.
2. Openly discuss that you budget. Let them know you budgeted to buy what you are purchasing and that what they are asking for isn’t on the budget. Something I did when my daughter was younger is tell her I would put it on “the list”. You can decide for your household if this is a list that where one thing they’ve asked for gets put on the budget for next month, or if it goes on a list for a birthday or holiday, or if it’s something you will choose one thing off the list to buy the next week. Choose what works for your household and budget.
3. Teach delayed gratification on other areas. We want to meet our children’s immediate needs. Other things can sometimes wait but we feel compelled to do things right away. Teach children that they won’t always get everything right at the moment they ask (or beg) for it. One way you can do this by setting a timer. “Mommy/Daddy is busy right now, but I will set this timer and when you hear it go off, I will be able to help you with that.”
4. Teach gratitude and empathy for others. How does this help? The ultimate lesson here is respect for others. So when you set boundaries and say we can’t buy this now, they will eventually become more inclined to respect your decisions. The key to them respecting your decisions of course is consistency. If you say it’s going on “the list” and then you never follow through, this won’t work.
5. Take a class with Money Lit or buy a curriculum subscription from us to teach at home. Yes, this is a shameless plug. But also, how many of us know our kids behave better for others than for us sometimes? If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that some of us appreciate that we aren’t our kid’s regular teachers. If this applies to you, Money Lit is more than happy to set goals with you, the parent, first and then work with your child one on one. If you do love being their teacher, we have curriculum subscriptions (coming Jan 2021) that you can purchase to teach some important money life skills at home through engaging in discussions with your child, activities and projects they can have fun doing, and a list of books they can read.

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Has a different solution worked for teaching these concepts to your child? We love to learn from our community. Leave a comment for us with your tips on this topic.